Can You Surface Soon? II

Entry 03

Dear Future Husband,

I still think of him.

I wish it would stop.

I don’t do well with guilt and regret. They keep me up at night. I think and rethink. The “what-ifs”, the maybes, the “if I didn’ts”…

It’s been quite a while, yet every day, I wonder if I made the right decision to let him go.

I lost a friend…a really good friend.

If someone ever told me that this was how it would end, I would perhaps have thought it through a bit more before saying that ‘Yes’.

20th April 2014.

Maybe I was a bit rash? Maybe I was really just pressured? Maybe the fact that I’d gone through all of college alone got to me… 🤷🏾‍♀️ You know that feeling, when all the people you ever get interested in are either taken, unavailable, or just way out of your league? I suppose it does things to you. You make impetuous decisions and end up having to undo them all at some point.

I ask myself so often… Why I didn’t pray about us? He was my best friend for so long, I just assumed that we’d work. Why didn’t I have the courage to tell my parents about him? That would perhaps have saved me a lot of trouble… Why did other people’s opinion about him matter to me so much? Why couldn’t I overlook the little things?

The “why’s” keep plaguing me… If I got the chance, would I have done things differently? I suppose I’ll never know. Because all my attempts at reconciliation have failed oh so miserably!

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this…

Because I don’t want to make the same mistakes with you! I’ve been praying lately… Not only to be sure that you are indeed ‘the one’  (When you finally show up), but also that I can learn to be all that you hope for in a wife – all that God wants from me as one; that I can be such a giver to you and not a burden. I hope that I don’t consider the opinions of others more highly than God’s opinion and that would mean I have to learn to tune out the world and focus only on God and I am committed to doing just that. I hope I have staying power to work through any issues that may threaten to stand in our way. I pray I don’t run at the slightest sign of trouble or conflict. I hope I will be the one to support you the hardest – constantly cheering you and encouraging you. I promise to stay committed to you with God’s help. I promise to prepare as best as I can for our union. Until then, I’m committed to enjoying this season of singleness – and just so you know, I’m actually enjoying all the attention I get when people hit on me. It’s sort of fun to know that despite what I’ve lost, I can still turn some heads🤦🏾‍♀️. I’m wondering if you’re ever going to show up. Cos if you are,

Then can you surface soon??

Entry 04

Dear Future Husband,

This morning I had a moment where I was like meh about relationships and even more meh about marriage. And I silently began to question why I’ve become so invested in these things. It’s probably because I want someone to talk to, someone I can count on to be there, someone I’ll share my days with. I’m talking baring my soul and heart and mind out; 100% vulnerability and receiving grace and encouragement and call-outs (yes because I can be am foolish sometimes). Someone who will just hold me, and be okay with that. Essentially the loneliness is real because your friends and family can only fill it to a certain extent.

I’ve always been a very physically sentimental person. Growing up, I lived for the hugs I got from dad when he got back from work. I could stay up all night just for that sometimes. My friends found it weird. It’s just the way it was.

And then I hit puberty, and I realised that I craved the wandering looks of the young gentlemen from church. I enjoyed the lingering hugs, and the hand holdings. It was never an issue for me, until I got to reading, and started enjoying all these raunchy books that no one should really ever be reading. Then I progressed from there, and became an avid consumer of lustful and shady romantic movies – the ones that can get you hot and bothered!🙈🙈

So he knew all of this: I told him about the reading and the watching… never told him that sometimes, it went a bit beyond just watching. I remember vaguely one evening when he asked me if I ever touch myself…I refused to answer that, and it never came up again. I’m sure he knew though. He would have brought it up at another time if he didn’t know.

So when I got home to Ghana after graduation, he visited me. Homeboy really wanted to kiss me. And honestly I wasn’t ready. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I kissed him, I wouldn’t want to stop there. I might go on to other territories that I was definitely not prepared for. Also because for a long time, I’ve been unofficially thinking and even saying to some of my friends that I’d save kissing for the altar (whether that is motivated by God’s principles or not, I’m yet to find out! Maybe because it’s been in the limelight a lot that people saved their kisses for marriage and it’s been all the buzz in some circles that I run in…lol). Hypocritical, I know.

But anyways homeboy wouldn’t take no for an answer and he really wanted his kiss. Eventually he did get a quick peck on the lips, and that is as far as we ever went. Maybe if we’d dated a bit longer, we would have gone further. Because honestly, I lack the resilience to keep my no at no. (maybe that’s why God has kept me single for this long!)

I always wonder how we’ll conduct ourselves physically and sexually before we get married. See, even though physically I’ve never been with a man at any point, my mind has… and trust me, my imagination does not play!!😌

I feel like I’ve taken the lead on something so sacred because of my impatience and dirty mind, that I’ve allowed to rule me for a long time (and that I have to constantly fight against).

I wouldn’t want to carry that into our relationship. Before marriage, I want to be the naive, prude one. It won’t be easy for me, but then we’ll need it.  I pray you already have strong convictions about this; about protecting our honour. And I promise you that after marriage, we can have it however way you want it. 😝😬😉

I’m pretty sure by the time I hand this letter to you, (if ever), you’d know everything there is to know about my past and I pray that you can move past that and accept me for my present self. I wouldn’t say that I was a child… but then acted like one. And if you do happen to have anything in your past, I pray that the Lord will give me a gracious heart to accept you and let it go, just as you will for me.

So my dear, much as I can’t wait, there’s so much I need to work on for myself. As I learn to live for and love God more, I hope that my apparent need for you will go away. And since I’m in the process of making that work,

Can you surface soon??

Can You Surface Soon?!

To the people whose lives are so intricately described in these writings… Thanks for giving me the opportunity to write again – to write about you. Thanks for the parts that you actually wrote yourself. Thanks most of all, for the chance to share in your lives!!

Entry 01

Dear Future Hubby,

I’ve decided that I need to move on. And though it’ll be a long and hard road, it’s an inevitable road. I’m going to move on. My mental health depends on it. My ever meeting you probably depends on it. So I’m working on some sort of strategy. As part of it, I’m going to write letters to you… letters about him. Christian. It feels so odd calling him Christian. I don’t think I ever called him that. I’ll write everything that comes to mind concerning us, whenever it comes to mind. It’ll be for this whole month. Who knows, one day when you have surfaced, you’ll probably stumble upon them – if I don’t deliberately show them to you – and possibly find more reason to fall more hopelessly in love with me (More than you already will be, of course!)

So, I keep thinking… Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends. A lot of people disagree with this kind of notion; and I know full well that our relationship can never go back to what it was before – I’ll be a fool to expect it to, especially since I was the ‘dumper’ and he was the ‘dumpee

But since he’s moved on, shouldn’t our friendship be an option? Shouldn’t we be able to go back to being friends?

I should probably examine my heart behind wanting to remain friends with him.

What do I want from him as a friend? What role do I want him to play in my life? If I’m honest with myself, I still harbour feelings for him. Not friendly feelings of course. Deep intimate feelings. And each time I have a conversation with him – those once-in-three-months-or-less conversations, when we say awkward hellos – I am secretly holding out for my second chance when he’ll forgive me and we’ll find a magical way to make it work.

I don’t need a fortune teller to tell me that that’s never going to happen. Of course I can’t blame him. To be fair, he needs to move on and find someone who’ll make him happy and respect him and love him and support him and feed him and give him babies (all of which I of course intend to do with you too, probably, one day, I suppose 😉).

And so if I want to give myself a chance to fully move on and not keep wishing things had turned out differently and have a chance with you, then clearly, it’s a No – No I can’t be friends with him. I can be civil towards him because total avoidance isn’t possible since he’s pretty much family, but other than that, may this letter be a strong reminder to me that it’s time.

Time to forgive myself. Time to fully own the fact that I made a decision that I have to stand by. Time to stop all the regretful thoughts that pass through my mind. Time to heal. Time to let go and be okay with this. Time to know and fully believe that you, future boo, will come at the right time and I’ll be whole for… par la grâce du Dieu – just as you will too. Time to understand that even if you don’t show up, alone isn’t bad.

Whenever break-ups come up as a topic, people are oh so willing to offer some sort of comfort to the ‘dumpee’…. His/her friends help in the getting over it phase. Nobody offers any help for the dumper. Before I get emotional about this, let me end this letter.

If you’ll ever show up, then I can’t wait to meet you. If you plan to show up,

Then Can you surface soon??

 

 

Entry 02

Dear Future Husband…

I contemplated taking a nap before choir rehearsals, over writing todays entry. But in the spirit of consistency, this won!

Today, I kept thinking about the importance of constantly building our relationships and staying abreast with the people we fall in love with, because change is inevitable.

When Dadze and I got together, (Dadze, because that’s really what I always called him… hardly ever Christian.) we had been long distance friends for 6 years and it had been pretty on and off during that period. He was considered family for the most part, and we’d been teased a few times by a couple of our mutual friends and family members. But there was really nothing to it. Innocent, great friendship. And of course when we got talking after our off periods, it felt so good – almost as if no time had passed

But the difference I noticed after we got together was that we had both changed in ways that the other person didn’t know about or expect or maybe we had been blind to some of the things while we were just friends.

See we got together at a period in my life when I was against anything homely/feminine/somewhat wifely. I made him aware that I wasn’t sure I wanted children and that I wouldn’t be cooking for him when we got married, etc. (See, I don’t cook. not that I cant. I can make the basic things that will keep humans alive. But I detest it.  The heat, the smell of spices, the annoying hum of blenders, the fact that I have to be careful that knives don’t cut me…. I hate it all!). He kept challenging that… and probably rightly so. But at the time, I didn’t want to hear the half of it! One day, he made an off comment, “Eii… aburokyire asesa wo” – To him, I’d become too westernized. I blurted out without thinking – “of course, Dadze, what did you expect, I spent most of my thinking years here!” That was how it all started.

Maybe that was the problem. We had each grown up in our completely different settings, and changed in different ways over the years but we weren’t willing to accept that and work with the differences. In hindsight I might agree with him to a certain extent about taking up ‘wifely duties’ (whatever those are) but that’s a conversation for another day. This is also one of the reasons why I ended things with him. He knew the old Maame, and not the Maame who had been roughened by life in Scandinavia, and then the US.

Of course, right now, I’m at a different point than I was when I graduated college. I’d say the big difference is trying to conform to the word of God and not my own ideas of what a relationship and responsibilities in marriage should look like.

I know we’ll change in many ways but one thing I do hope is that our core values don’t change; I know that if we keep God at the centre and make Him the unchanging factor, we can deal with all the changes that happen.

I shouldn’t have to use old information about you to work in the present. We must have conversations constantly to know what’s changed; fears, dreams, goals… etc. I can’t expect you to be the same from when we start dating to 50 years into our marriage.

Here’s to striving to know each other better every day. Here’s to committing time to know how the other person has changed and to accommodating those changes. To a large extent, I feel stupid about this coping mechanism/moving on strategy. Because what if you never surface? I’ll probably still be okay wont I?

But hey, if you’re ever going to surface,

Can you surface soon?