We missed a month… or two… but who’s checking? Besides, we’re back! So much has been going on, but I’m learning to constantly remind myself what a beautiful blessing it is to be this kind of tired – to be exhausted by goals I chose, goals I love and believe in… not goals forced on me! I hope you remember that when life becomes a lot!
On that note, Enjoyyyyyy, and as always, share with friends, and let me know your thoughts!
Elise
Sitting on the floor as Aunty Kehinde plaited her hair, Sayo could tell there was something on her mind. Aunt Kehinde was never one to mince words, so it was quite surprising she was holding on to whatever this was.
“Your gentleman… KB. Did he go back?”
“Yes Ma.”
“Ok… Is he coming back?”
She hesitated. It had been weeks since she’d replied any of his messages or called him back.
“No Ma. He’s not coming back.” The words felt bitter on her tongue. The very first time she met someone she could truly be herself with, someone who really cared enough about her to put his life on hold for her, she had to let him go. He didn’t know it yet, but it was for his own good. She was being the bigger person, and one day when he met the real love of his life, he would understand.
“Taiwo said you asked her to bring your son down. Remi. I thought you were only staying a few more weeks?”
“I don’t know, Aunty, I just think it’s time to take responsibility. The US has never felt like home. And Lagos stopped feeling like home when I was perhaps nine. I think you and uncle K are the reason why Accra feels a little bit like home to me. I’m going to try to live here for a few months, and take it one day at a time.”
“Omo mii…” She turned to find her aunt’s eyes bright with unshed tears. She tried to be excited too. She tried not to think of KB. Tried not to think of the fact that she had probably sabotaged any kind of future she and him could have had.
She had spent nights crying and asking herself why things were always so beautiful, and then suddenly she was destroying them. But she stood by her decision. He deserved better. Someone younger, less jaded by life. Someone who could bring him peace. She was not that person.
KB had given up on the idea of him and Sayo. It had been close to a year since he last heard from her. The first few months had been terrible. He called Janina to find out if she’d seen her. He didn’t have her aunt Kehinde’s number, so he sent Janina there too. She had said Sayo was not there. She was fine, but not with them. He called her university and was told the professor was on a sabbatical. It was the closest he’d come to losing his mind. But gradually, he reminded himself that she’d done this before. Ghosted him for months. Then slowly, as weeks turned to months, he decided that his life could not revolve around her. Not again. He loved her. He knew that. He was in love with her. But that alone wasn’t reason to put his life on hold. He sent her an email once a month. He told himself he was giving it up to a year. Twelve emails. And then he would let it go.
Sayo’s Diaries
January 16th
On my first day lecturing, I was mistaken for the teaching assistant. It’s not something unusual, I just haven’t had that in a while. What did take me by surprise, was the number of students that tried to hit on me. Are women constantly harassed in this way here?
I love teaching these kids though. They are quite different from my Chicago kids. First there are no online students, so it’s great to have everyone in one room. They’re also mostly very well cultured – hardly any snickering, and almost no flat-out disrespect. At least not after they realize I’m the lecturer. It’s been a pretty smooth transition. According to my teaching assistant, my nickname among the students is “small madam”. It made me laugh. I haven’t had genuine laughter in a while, so this felt good.
January 19th
Today, aunty Kehinde said something that startled me. “Omo mi… Ghanaians are not good people. They like to pretend, and they are good at showing face. But they are not. At least we Nigerians have accepted that no one is good. Ghanaians pretend to be good – then when you’re not looking, they bite you!” “They siphon power illegally, so the ECG doesn’t bill them, or catch them, but they blame the government for their power woes. These trotro drivers drive as if they are insane, cutting corners and scratching cars, and hitting people. Yet they go home to discipline their children like everyone else.”
I had never thought about the inherent goodness or badness of people as a thing – I thought good and bad depended on individuals. And I know that as a Nigerian- American I’ve been considered bad just because of a bad rep Nigeria has. But I’ve just never thought of a people as a good people or a bad people. I guess there’s some truth to her words. People like to have some higher person to blame – some politician or some boss, yet collectively or even as individuals they would likely do the same. I suppose that people are only good if they’ve had the opportunity to be bad and didn’t take it. If you have never had the opportunity maybe it’s hard to know if you would embezzle funds. Our conversation gave me lots to think about. Made me also wonder if I’m really to blame in my life’s decisions? I mean I know I am, but isn’t my blaming Odion something like this?
PS. ECG is the Electricity Company of Ghana, sort of like NEPA in Nigeria, and trotros are the minibuses they use in Ghana.
February 4th
This evening, Remi wanted to know what his name meant. It was for his homework. Funny he didn’t ask me. He asked aunty Kehinde. On days like this, I’m glad that I moved us back in with her and Uncle K. Because if he had asked me, I don’t know how I would have told him the story. The story of how I searched diligently for this name, Remilekun. And insisted on it, even though Odion didn’t like it. At that point, I was holding on to the deeply superstitious beliefs of my Yoruba people, that this heavy name, on this one tiny human would bring to pass my hearts most desperate wishes. That by carrying this name he would bring an end to all my pain, all my hurt!
“Your name means person who stops our grief. You brought soooo much joy into the family, we knew allll our grief was over!” She said all that while tickling him, making him laugh. She made all of us laugh, all the time, and I am so glad!
God or the universe or whatever supreme being actually exists must have known that the mother I got would need to have some backup. I’m grateful for aunty Kehinde. Every day, I’m so grateful for her!
February 9th
I had a student remind me of KB today. Not in his looks or anything, more the way he spoke, the way he carried himself. I think about him nearly every day, but I have managed to limit my thoughts to the nighttime, when exhaustion has me on the brink of sleep. As a result, I have so many dreams where it feels like I am conjuring him up. But today, he was on my mind all day. I see his social media from time to time. He’s held exhibitions and taken photos all over Illinois. I wonder if he thinks about me. I know he must hate me. I would hate me if I were him. I thought about that first week when we got here together. How he held me through that depressive week. I appease myself by remembering that he deserves better. He’s young, and kind, and loves so deeply. He shouldn’t have to live his life mending a broken woman, and suffering for her mistakes. As a selfish woman, I own the fact that leaving KB, while cruel, is the most selfless thing I’ve done in a long while. Probably also the most painful.
March 3
Remi likes his school a lot. He plays soccer (here, that’s football) after school, and wants to try some of the other sports too. He must have gotten that from Odion’s genes because nobody in my family has ever had anything to do with sports or athletics. He makes me happy everyday – I cannot believe I was missing out on all this, living a bland life in Chicago for years as if I did not have a child! Remi is a bright spot of color in my life!
March 6th
It’s a holiday today. Some of the other lecturers organized a barbecue and I thought I’d tag along – very glad I did! I’ve had so much fun, and I didn’t think I would! It feels good to not be the different lecturer – the only woman, the only black person, the only anything! It feels good to just blend in with these people, and eat food and talk trash about the students and the leadership and the woes of the nation that we know will not make any difference. I’m learning to have a community, and boy I’m so glad about it!
May 20th
Odion sent me an email. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week. The prognosis isn’t good. I looked at the email unblinkingly for a while. For some reason, I’ve never actually thought of him dying. He’s always been so much larger than life. And the satisfaction I thought I’d feel at his misfortune wasn’t there. I did feel some kind of relief though, and it made me feel bad all day. I wonder if I’d ever be able to forgive him. Dead or alive, he was the one thing that ever took away all that I wanted. And even years later when I thought he couldn’t control me, he showed me he could … he had showed up and destroyed what KB and I had.
Remi does not know his father much. And much as I want it to stay that way, I don’t know if it’s worth it saying no to the last wish of a dying man?
Knowing Odion, this could just be some ploy to get us to return to the US. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want this to be a thing. I wish I had not opened the email. Now I have to do something
June 12th
I saw Janina today. I was so happy to see her. We hugged and talked as if KB and I were still together. She had come looking for me before I moved back into aunty Kehinde’s place. I knew that, but I pretended I didn’t. She looked well, and it took everything in me not to ask about KB. To not find out if he still talked about me. Every month, I got a short message from him just checking on me. Maybe I should reply to them one of these days. It’s just so hard. I miss him so much!
Sayo sat on the wooden kitchen stool in her bedroom, with the laptop balancing on her laps. She was staring at KB’s email. Most of his emails over the past year had been short. One of his earlier ones had merely read:
Sayo,
I hope you are well. I try not to think about you. But I really haven’t succeeded much. I’m struggling with this. I wish you’d been brave enough to tell me what went wrong.
Take care.
KB.
She had memorized it and thought about replying so often. She just never did.
None of his emails had been this long. None of them had been this final. None of them really had her in tears like this.
Dear Sayo…
Oluwasayofunmi. This is email #12. I believe it will be the last one you will get from me. It’s been a grueling year, especially because I was really not expecting this. A year ago, I thought I would be returning to Chicago with you, to create a new life together – one that we wouldn’t allow your ex to destroy. Maybe if we had fought, or had some kind of disagreement before you ghosted me, I would have understood this better.
J. told me you’re in Ghana. She says she saw you the other day. I’m glad you said hello. Mama doesn’t know we don’t speak anymore. She still asks how you’re doing whenever we speak. She still holds out hope for us. I think it’s funny.
I do hope that you are happy though.
Sometimes, you remind me of my dad, Sayo. Not really of the person he was before he became ill. But of the shell he became after. Of the person that refused to fight when he had pushed us all to fight in life. I wish you hadn’t stopped fighting for the possibility of us. Or maybe it was always just me fighting?
Nobody goes into a relationship with a script. At least not anyone that I know. I wish I had had a script. Maybe this would have been different. Maybe if I knew the right love language, if I affirmed you more, sent you the notes, said and did the right things? I guess I’ll never know.
Thank you for pushing me to apply for that MFA. It hasn’t manifested into all it was purported to be just yet, but I’ve been shooting and capturing with much more skill, and I think the future is bright.
I’m moving out of Chicago soon. I think I’ll be a nomad for a while. There is so much beauty to see, so much beauty to shoot out there. There’s also too much that reminds me of you, and if after a year it still haunts me, I think it’s time to go.
I hope that you’re still journalling. To be honest, beyond journalling I hope you are speaking to someone professionally. I started doing that a couple of months ago. I can’t say everything is fixed, but I think it helps. Helps to say it all out loud to someone. Helps to hear what they have to say too. I think I needed some of the stark cold truths told to me by someone.
When I started seeing her, it just felt like an expensive weekly chat. I wasn’t ready to talk about you, so we really just talked about my work, and good old racism, and random occurrences. A month ago, I finally told her about you. She said something, that I’ve been thinking about a lot.
“KB, there’s a level of disregard that certain people will show you in life, to test your stupidity. If you continue to engage with them, you’re probably as stupid as they think you to be.”
I’ve been a fool for you. In a way that I never even thought was possible. “Hard boy KB!” I’ve laughed at many of my friends for even thinking a breakup was worth drinking over. Yet here I am, a year after you, still holding on to hope that maybe you’ll come back to me.
Well, goodbye Oluwasayofunmi. Who knows, we may bump into each other on the streets of Accra one day, and I like to think that you will be thriving – in every way possible. Hopefully, so will I.
I hope you never forget that I loved you fiercely. If you ever give another man that opportunity, I hope he loves you even better. You deserve a happy, calming love. We all do.
KB.
It was all over.
Sayo is a typical case of women who self sabotage a relationship. I guess not wanting to be vulnerable due to past relationships. She seems to be protecting herself. Glad KB is moving on.
Thank you Aunty Caroline! I agree with you – sometimes it may seem as if destroying something yourself is better than the alternative – getting destroyed. It is something I hope she heals from because constanly living life on the defense must be tiring!
Interesting
Great and Interesting
“KB, there’s a level of disregard that certain people will show you in life, to test your stupidity. If you continue to engage with them, you’re probably as stupid as they think you to be.”
Dope!!
Thank you Douggy! I think I only agree with the statement to some extent though. People have different experiences in life, and I don’t know if I would consider it all stupidity lol. In many cases, they may be going through it! Or maybe, just think Sayo, they think they’re being helpful to you…