Dear Future Husband,
I still think of him.
I wish it would stop.
I don’t do well with guilt and regret. They keep me up at night. I think and rethink. The “what-ifs”, the maybes, the “if I didn’ts”…
It’s been quite a while, yet every day, I wonder if I made the right decision to let him go.
I lost a friend…a really good friend.
If someone ever told me that this was how it would end, I would perhaps have thought it through a bit more before saying that ‘Yes’.
20th April 2014.
Maybe I was a bit rash? Maybe I was really just pressured? Maybe the fact that I’d gone through all of college alone got to me… 🤷🏾♀️ You know that feeling, when all the people you ever get interested in are either taken, unavailable, or just way out of your league? I suppose it does things to you. You make impetuous decisions and end up having to undo them all at some point.
I ask myself so often… Why I didn’t pray about us? He was my best friend for so long, I just assumed that we’d work. Why didn’t I have the courage to tell my parents about him? That would perhaps have saved me a lot of trouble… Why did other people’s opinion about him matter to me so much? Why couldn’t I overlook the little things?
The “why’s” keep plaguing me… If I got the chance, would I have done things differently? I suppose I’ll never know. Because all my attempts at reconciliation have failed oh so miserably!
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this…
Because I don’t want to make the same mistakes with you! I’ve been praying lately… Not only to be sure that you are indeed ‘the one’ (When you finally show up), but also that I can learn to be all that you hope for in a wife – all that God wants from me as one; that I can be such a giver to you and not a burden. I hope that I don’t consider the opinions of others more highly than God’s opinion and that would mean I have to learn to tune out the world and focus only on God and I am committed to doing just that. I hope I have staying power to work through any issues that may threaten to stand in our way. I pray I don’t run at the slightest sign of trouble or conflict. I hope I will be the one to support you the hardest – constantly cheering you and encouraging you. I promise to stay committed to you with God’s help. I promise to prepare as best as I can for our union. Until then, I’m committed to enjoying this season of singleness – and just so you know, I’m actually enjoying all the attention I get when people hit on me. It’s sort of fun to know that despite what I’ve lost, I can still turn some heads🤦🏾♀️. I’m wondering if you’re ever going to show up. Cos if you are,
Then can you surface soon??
Dear Future Husband,
This morning I had a moment where I was like meh about relationships and even more meh about marriage. And I silently began to question why I’ve become so invested in these things. It’s probably because I want someone to talk to, someone I can count on to be there, someone I’ll share my days with. I’m talking baring my soul and heart and mind out; 100% vulnerability and receiving grace and encouragement and call-outs (yes because I can be am foolish sometimes). Someone who will just hold me, and be okay with that. Essentially the loneliness is real because your friends and family can only fill it to a certain extent.
I’ve always been a very physically sentimental person. Growing up, I lived for the hugs I got from dad when he got back from work. I could stay up all night just for that sometimes. My friends found it weird. It’s just the way it was.
And then I hit puberty, and I realised that I craved the wandering looks of the young gentlemen from church. I enjoyed the lingering hugs, and the hand holdings. It was never an issue for me, until I got to reading, and started enjoying all these raunchy books that no one should really ever be reading. Then I progressed from there, and became an avid consumer of lustful and shady romantic movies – the ones that can get you hot and bothered!🙈🙈
So he knew all of this: I told him about the reading and the watching… never told him that sometimes, it went a bit beyond just watching. I remember vaguely one evening when he asked me if I ever touch myself…I refused to answer that, and it never came up again. I’m sure he knew though. He would have brought it up at another time if he didn’t know.
So when I got home to Ghana after graduation, he visited me. Homeboy really wanted to kiss me. And honestly I wasn’t ready. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I kissed him, I wouldn’t want to stop there. I might go on to other territories that I was definitely not prepared for. Also because for a long time, I’ve been unofficially thinking and even saying to some of my friends that I’d save kissing for the altar (whether that is motivated by God’s principles or not, I’m yet to find out! Maybe because it’s been in the limelight a lot that people saved their kisses for marriage and it’s been all the buzz in some circles that I run in…lol). Hypocritical, I know.
But anyways homeboy wouldn’t take no for an answer and he really wanted his kiss. Eventually he did get a quick peck on the lips, and that is as far as we ever went. Maybe if we’d dated a bit longer, we would have gone further. Because honestly, I lack the resilience to keep my no at no. (maybe that’s why God has kept me single for this long!)
I always wonder how we’ll conduct ourselves physically and sexually before we get married. See, even though physically I’ve never been with a man at any point, my mind has… and trust me, my imagination does not play!!😌
I feel like I’ve taken the lead on something so sacred because of my impatience and dirty mind, that I’ve allowed to rule me for a long time (and that I have to constantly fight against).
I wouldn’t want to carry that into our relationship. Before marriage, I want to be the naive, prude one. It won’t be easy for me, but then we’ll need it. I pray you already have strong convictions about this; about protecting our honour. And I promise you that after marriage, we can have it however way you want it. 😝😬😉
I’m pretty sure by the time I hand this letter to you, (if ever), you’d know everything there is to know about my past and I pray that you can move past that and accept me for my present self. I wouldn’t say that I was a child… but then acted like one. And if you do happen to have anything in your past, I pray that the Lord will give me a gracious heart to accept you and let it go, just as you will for me.
So my dear, much as I can’t wait, there’s so much I need to work on for myself. As I learn to live for and love God more, I hope that my apparent need for you will go away. And since I’m in the process of making that work,
Can you surface soon??