So she asked me…. “Would you do it all over again if you had the chance? Would you risk it all…again?”
I thought for a minute….
Life sort of flashed before me. Before. During. After.
I thought about the tears, the times when I had no idea what was going on. The times when I felt you were more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than you were with me. The times when I felt I wasn’t good enough for you….. Definitely not pretty enough – Heck, you were the pretty boy! Not fun enough. Not enough in any way.
I thought about the tears that no other man has ever made me cry…. (Not to say there have been many, but I don’t believe any other one can affect me that much).
Tears so hard I could barely breathe…. You know, the kind that makes you  feel dizzy for a few minutes, you think you’re seeing hell already, and then after a short bit, you’re back again, and then it’s heaves and tears and…. Ugh!
I thought about the random sadness that overcame me anytime I saw something that reminded me of you – of us. It was a queer creeping sadness that overtook me – often even before I realised it. Oh and since you pretty much branded my life, there was barely a place that didn’t cause this.
Bedroom? Your favourite rug, the hugs and kisses against the curtains, the paintings you made so much noise about … Kitchen? The only cutlery sets you would use if you bothered to use any. Living room? The movies….  The hunger games, Vehicle 49, the James Bonds… all those others! Restaurants? That Pork-dish that was made just the way you wanted it. The shops? Church? My car? You trademarked it all. You made me memories everywhere… you splashed yourself all over my life!
I thought about the coldness that was even worse than any fight could ever be. You got cold – cold, cold, cold! And of course I didn’t want to be pushy… the ‘calm’ is always better than the storm isn’t it? The fake smiles when deep inside, I was in bitter, desperate sobs! The one sided text messages…
Me: “Hey, how’re you doing? 😀 Did you have a good night?” [09:03am]
You: “Can I get back to you, kinda busy” [10:20am]
Me: “Sure… talk later :*” [10:24am]
2 hours…. 3, 4, 5, 6….. Many more hours later
Me: “Heya, I’m gonna go to bed now, talk tomorrow? :D” [11:32pm]
You: “OK.” [11:57pm]
Remember these kind of texts? Hahaha! Once in a while, when I think about them, I wonder why I didn’t just take a hint and stop…
I thought about the gifts I got you that I found discarded…
But then I thought about the fun we had.
We were good together. (At some point at least). We laughed! Oh what I wouldn’t give to have all that laughter back! We were crazy together. You were unpredictable, there was barely a dull moment. We had issues, but we evolved. We got better. We made a good team. You’d tickle me mercilessly, and I’d seek revenge…. You’d hug me for fifteen minutes straight and say nothing…
You’d dance with me, no matter how bad I was. You’d stare at me for long minutes and pretend you were not looking at me if I asked why.
Too spontaneous, too gorgeous… my real life McDreamy!
You defined romance – you made it real. I doff my hat to you there…. You were pretty good at that stuff!
So would I do it all again?
Heck Yes!
I’d go back to day one when I saw you and spoke to you and thought Heeeey…. Maybe I hit the jackpot. I’d go back to the first movie we watched together, that stupid first kiss… I’d go back and breathe in every second of all the time that we spent together. I’d hold you more often, hug you from behind a lot more. I’d make the memoirs even better… I wouldn’t care about the walk of shame or what people thought. I wouldn’t bother myself with the opinions of other people. I would go all out. I wouldn’t hold back. I wouldn’t be scared. (Well, maybe I still would be… but I’d try not to be.)
And when it all ends, I’ll remember to tell myself that it’s not me – I wasn’t insufficient. I wasn’t the reason. I wasn’t half bad – Heck, I am great. I am loved, and I am definitely more than enough!
I don’t know if you’d do it over if you had the chance – Chances are you won’t even get that chance – I don’t know if you’d do things differently. All I know is despite the hurt and the sadness and all that came and went, all that happened and all that didn’t, despite it all, we had really good times!
“I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance, [GOD] I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance”

Comments (25)

  1. And Elise does it again. I Love your writing because it conveys raw unprocessed emotion.
    Its always a pleasure to read an article written by you. Keep it up girl.

  2. Wow.. not at all shallow.
    I can’t quite find the words to describe this.
    Best post I’ve read on your blog Nana.

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