For about twenty-three months, pride has kept me from keeping in touch.
Pride, shame, and my wayward heart.
When I left home, all I could think of was a carefree life out there, the late nights out with my friends, and the lazy days with no stress.
I’m so sorry mum.
Even the prodigal son from the bible is better off than I am. At least he had someone to take him back when he came.
I was the breadwinner. But I got tired. I got stupid. Worst of all, I got selfish.
I was tired of you calling me endlessly, anytime I stayed out past 1am, and staying up to wait till I came even if it was at 3am.
I was tired of paying the bills, and tired of having to pick Nina up from school, while you only sat at home, doing ‘nothing’.
I was so stupid I didn’t realise that all the calls, and the waiting up was your way of showing you loved me.
I had no idea that things would end up like this.
I didn’t know for even a second that you were sick.
If I could turn back the hands of time…
There’s one night that I remember clearly…
The landlord had been in the house to take the TV and the player. I knew it, yet I was gone. I had the money, but I couldn’t care less. I got back way after 3, and I saw the look in your eyes. I had 43 missed calls from you, yet I pretended you were invisible.
You looked me straight in my eyes, tears in yours. But I must have been high. Because I walked off.
You walked calmly into my room, and asked if I’d give you the money.
I threw it at you, and you picked it up quietly.
Oh, what a fool I was!!
You paid the landlord, sold the TV and player, and started to sell sweets and water from the front of the house.
From that day on, you never took a dime from me.
But I realised you wore the same few clothes over and over, and you wore just one outfit to church. I didn’t care- it worsened my embarassment at having you as a mother. I didn’t know you’d sold all you had, to care for Nina and I.
If only I’d known.
The day I left home, you begged me not to go. You told me that you’d do anything I wanted if I’d just stay. It was after an argument about why I’d left church, and taken to drinking…. Blah blah, blah!
I remember Nina sitting in that well worn couch, crying her lungs out. She was too young for all that drama.
She’s still too young to be an orphan.
Nina doesn’t speak now, the shock must have hit her really hard…. She only looks blankly at everyone.
But at me, she frowns.
My life away from home was only good for about seven months. After that, I lost my job, and it’s been a steep fall since then.
But I was too proud to return…. too proud to so much as call….
I’m sorry for all the pain I brought you, and I’m sorry I never got the chance to say sorry, or even bye.
I’m terribly sorry, mum.
I’ll try to make it up to you.
I’ll give Nina the world she deserves. (As soon as I can afford it)So that one day, when we three meet in Heaven, together with Dad, we’ll have good stories to tell.
I love you mum, and I’m sorry. So , so sorry.
Rest in Perfect Peace.