Sayo V

Happy New Year!! It’s been over a year since I put something new up, and many of you have been waiting, checking in, threatening me, wondering when I’d write again. So much has been going on all at once, and I kept telling myself I’d write when things settled down. But life doesn’t always wait for the “right time,” does it?

Sooo I’m back! Here both for a good time and a long time!

I’m super grateful to be back, and even more grateful for all your messages, comments, and both the gentle and aggressive nudges that have meant more to me than you know! I’ve missed this—missed you. Thank you for your patience, for sticking around, and for believing in my words even when I fell silent. I’m excited to write and share again! 

With love and a promise not to disappear again,

Elise 

PS. If this is your first time here, please check out the earlier parts of this story here:

Sayo I, Sayo II, Sayo III, Sayo IV!

“If you didn’t teach Physics, what would you do?” 

“Oooh… I love my Physics… I wonder what else I’d do… Maybe play professional Tennis?” 

He raised his eyebrows, having never seen her play.

She laughed. “What would you do?”

“My dad wanted me to study some kind of engineering as a child. Initially, he wanted me to be a lawyer, but I think that as I grew up, he realized I was too quiet, too non-confrontational to be a good lawyer – or perhaps the kind he thought I should be. So he tried to get me to like engineering. I think that maybe I’d try that. Perhaps computer engineering? Or maybe architecture?

I’m glad I don’t have to decide any of this now because I can be indecisive. But usually, once I make a decision, I stick to it.”

“Out of passion or just duty and determination?” 

“I’ve never really thought of it…. But perhaps all three? I like to think that because it takes me longer than most to decide, it must be worth it once I do. There must be a reason why I must see it to the end.”

They held each other’s gaze for a while, his eyes searching hers with an intensity that seemed to reach straight into her soul. Lately, they’d had more moments like this than they ever had before. It was as if, ever since her confession, he needed to be sure of something… sure of what she couldn’t quite tell. And somehow, it didn’t even feel as if they’d been apart. It all felt like before.

“How exactly did you end up in photography?”

“That story is not very exciting…” He laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh – it was the kind that was just to fill the space. “I would take photos for some people at church on their phones. It wasn’t anything extra, they just liked my photos better than others. So I saved up and bought a camera. It started as fun, and my father hated it. But by the time Uni came around, I had a plan to do something photography-related. By then he was dead, so he didn’t get a say.”

He had a faraway look in his eyes, but quickly, before she could ask anything further, he asked:

“What is the strangest thing to ever happen in one of your classes?” She thought for a while…

“I had a student in my class. – smart young man, who spent the first 30 minutes of every class asleep. Very few students sleep in my class, and it was never a consistent thing. But for him, it was always the very first thirty minutes. It’s a long story there, but I finally had a word with him, and it turned out he was a designated parent for his siblings – 4 of them, the youngest of which was two. So he worked, studied, and parented, and just needed “a power nap” in my class to remain sane.”

They’d had a slow morning. Sayo quietly noted all the changes he’d made to his apartment. There was a blown-out photograph behind his couch now. She knew that photo.  They were together when he took it. There were new shelves, mounted perfectly on the bare wall next to his desk, with a few books – one of them was her copy of the first Kennedy Ryan book she’d had him read. It was still there, and it filled her heart with warmth. His desk was scattered with more books and papers now. His old camera sat in the corner between the desk and the shelves. She tried not to think about the memories on that camera. His elation when the newer one came in the mail. While he was a calm man, his joy was unmuted. He probably didn’t even know it, but his expressions were often louder than his words.

“When was the last time you took a holiday?” Those were the first words out of his mouth the next morning. Sayo’s head was still fuzzy with sleep. She was still making sense of what he was asking when she looked into his eyes. KB was in love with her. She never thought she’d be able to look someone in the eye and tell that they were in love with her. She smiled. He smiled back.

“Do you think you would be able to take about two months off? Do professors have to work in the summer?”

“I haven’t taken my full vacation in four years. I just… have never really wanted to go away.” 

The question in his eyes had her answering him before he could even voice it out. 

“Until a few months ago, teaching, and my students were my whole life. Even my parents… and my son, hardly see me. I put my life into two compartments – the past, and the now. If I spent too much time idle, I’d remember the past. If I spent too much time back home, I’d remember some more. I didn’t want that. So I just worked and worked, and entertained my students, tried to make sure none of the girls ended up how I ended up.”

He could tell this was a hard confession to make. Her eyes were distant, and her face expressed all the turmoil that was probably going on in her heart. 

“Well, what about now? Do you want to go on holiday with me?”

That’s how they ended up on what was supposed to be a short trip to Ghana. 

Sayo had insisted she would stay at a hotel. She was happy to visit KB’s family and had plans to stay for a bit with her aunt Kehinde. But she wanted to at least have the luxury of her own place. It seemed so important to her that KB left it alone. Besides, she could afford it. 

The night they touched down in Ghana, his sister, and her husband picked them up from the airport. When they dropped Sayo off, he could tell something was wrong. She had been withdrawn but pleasant in the car. Now that they were upstairs, she was just silent. The room was perfect! Luxurious with floor-to-ceiling glass windows that gave her a stunning view of the Accra nightlights.  She sat on the bed and looked out the large glass windows at the night lights, while KB made sure everything was securely locked. He kissed her goodnight and chalked her silence up to exhaustion from the flight.

It was not. Sayo stayed in bed for ten days. 

He’d texted her the first day, and she’d replied much later, saying she was tired and had spent the day in bed. He wanted to give her some space, but he also wanted to be with her. He gave her the next day. On the third day, he showed up to find her still in bed, wearing the tank top from the night of their flight. She’d taken the jeans and bra off and was curled up in the bed, staring at the wall as if she hadn’t heard him walk in. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her braids were strewn all around her. She looked like she did the day of her panic attack. Had she had another one? What was going on? Had she eaten? Did something happen? But he didn’t ask any questions; he took his shoes, jeans, and t-shirt off, and snuggled up to her. It was as if she had just realized he was there. She snuggled closer and cried softly into his chest. He moved in that night. 

Sayo seemed like a shell of herself, and for the next week and a half, she alternated between staring blankly at the closed curtains and crying softly into her pillow. He could hardly get a word out of her, and she merely shrugged when he asked her about food. So he brought her light soup and bread from the hotel buffet every afternoon. She would eat a few bites and return to bed. The whole week, he held her and tried to whisper the “going ons” into her ears. “My mama called today. She wants to meet you.” “There’s a food place I can’t wait to take you to.” “My sister says she knows a place you can get those braids you showed me.” “Mama says she’s a better nurse than I am, so I should bring you home to her.”

There were some days when her tears were not just the quiet sobs – they were heavy tears that shook her whole small body. And he held her and rocked her until she fell asleep.

On the morning of the eleventh day, she woke up feeling different somehow. It was nothing dramatic, she just didn’t feel like crying anymore. The weight in her chest was still there, it was just not pressing as hard. KB was asleep when she got out of the bed. She simply stood, her body stiff from so many days of stillness, and walked to the window. She looked at him and was filled with so much gratitude – for his quiet steady presence that did not pressure her. The last time this had happened, she was labeled an attention-seeking witch. She shuddered and pushed the memory out of her head. She went to take a hot shower and returned to find KB awake. He looked happy, and surprised, and relieved. She climbed into the bed beside him in only her towel, and he held her and looked at her, and just smiled. She let herself truly feel and enjoy his touch.

 She looked up and kissed him. It was soft and tentative, and then it became deeper, more urgent. “I’m sorry, KB…” she whispered over and over as she kissed him, tears running down her face. 

“I just… I…”

“Shh…it’s okay babe… Are you sure? I just want you to be okay…”  

She kissed him hard, and it seemed as if everything she couldn’t say in those days of silence, she was pouring into this moment—her appreciation for his patience and his care, her love, her need to feel alive again. KB held her like she was something precious.

They made love slowly, tenderly, as if the world outside the room didn’t exist. For the first time in a long while, she felt connected—to him, to herself, to the moment they shared. She felt safe, and—just for a moment—at peace. And somehow, that was enough.

The next morning, when they checked out of the hotel, to head to KB’s home, she paused in the doorway for a moment, looking back at the hotel room that had held her sadness and pain, and her first small steps toward feeling human again. It was a place where, even at her lowest, she’d been held, loved, and given space to begin to find her way back to herself. Their packed suitcases reminded her of the life still waiting for her, of this beautiful young man who refused to let her go, and of her own strength, which hadn’t left her even when she thought it had.

Sayo’s first impression of KB’s mother was that she was tall. Very tall. KB was tall, but she’d merely assumed that he was tall in the way many men were just tall. Clearly, his gene pool had the perfect height. 

She was also very warm – in a strange way that had her wondering…

“KB didn’t say you were a small girl.” She laughed. Her laughter sounded like his. Sayo smiled and extended her hand too.

“I cooked yam and agushie… KB says it’s similar to something your people eat?” 

They all – KB, his mum, his sister, and her, ate from one big pot, with the agushie in a large black clay pot. It was all new to Sayo, but it felt like so much fun. She couldn’t remember ever sitting to eat with her family this way. It was beautiful, and it was funny. It made her feel as if they accepted her already – no questions asked.