Can You Surface Soon? III

Entry 05
Dear Future Husband,
I’ve been feeling stupid about all this. I’ve contemplated not carrying on with these letters to you. But then I decided that stupid or not, I’ll carry on. You may not show up, and that’s quite fine. Because I think for me it’s more about the commitment to writing every day than just writing this for you (Although I consider this quite a plus… because wouldn’t you want to know what I was doing at 6:03pm on 29th November? Lol)
Also I feel like I’ll run out of topics at some point, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, right?
Today was a good day at work, (My employer called me in, and said that she’d love to hire me after this internship – The best thing I’ve had an employer say to me so far) However, I’m sad.
I’m having one of those nostalgic days, and I wish I could be back home. Ama got married over the weekend, and I couldn’t be there. I’ve been holding it in for a while, pretending that it’s all okay… but I suppose it’s fine to rant here. If there was ever a time that I disliked being far away from my family, it was today. Watching the photos and videos just brought tears to my eyes.
Just to let you know, whatever kind of wedding we decide to have, I want to have everyone there. None of our families should have to miss such a wonderful day because of proximity. We should make sure that they’re all able to make it. Somehow. (Unless of course we decide to elope lol)
This week, at church we were talking about overcoming sin… and it hit me that he was my accountability partner – This means that I told him stuff. Secrets. Things no one knows – things that I’m wondering how I’ll ever tell you. Deep, dark secrets. Because why wouldn’t I? Remember he was my best friend even before he became ‘the one’.
But it’s got me thinking about secrets and the people we share our lives with and what they do with those secrets when we’re no longer ‘together’.
See I’m a very guarded person. It takes a lot to get me to open up… And it takes special people to get me to open up. But once that door opens a little, everything has to get out. It’s like all of a sudden, I have no filter. You’ll probably find out yourself.
So what happens to the things we tell people?  Those things that are pieces of us; that are too sacred to ever be told to the rest of the world. I’ve left pieces of myself with him – pieces I most likely can never have back. And it bugs me now that I think of it. But there isn’t much I can do about it. We didn’t sign an NDA or a confidentiality form (maybe we should have lol) but to a large extent, I trust him. And I have to trust that he will keep all that information and not reveal it to the world. But what happens when he moves on now that he’s moved on… what if his potential wife asks for complete transparency? What happens if the world get s to know the mess I really am inside?
Of course this shouldn’t make me withhold myself from you because I’m afraid to leave my secrets behind. It certainly doesn’t mean either that I should go round telling people about my struggles and personal issues.
Another thing I’ve learnt/ I’m still learning this year, is to speak up! For a long time, I didn’t know how to say what I really wanted. I’d start off with actively not letting it bother me so much, then when it got too much, I’d write a really long rant, (because confrontations make me cry, lol)  In the end, I was often unhappy, and pretend-indifferent about many important things. It made me ungrateful even when he was putting in effort, and I got so ready to move on that I didn’t appreciate the good in the present.
So I’m looking forward to sharing every part of me with you; the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. If I shared with him, then I owe it all the more to you to share with you. I can’t wait for you to roll along, I intend to withhold nothing from you; hopefully you’ll be willing to listen.
But can you surface soon??
PS: Please don’t forget, I really want my entire family at my wedding. We will have to find a time that favours everyone because I’m leaving no one behind. I know the pain of feeling left behind.
 
Entry 06
Today has been hard (emotionally)
I spoke to Paapa. We only said a few words, but it showed me how far apart we’ve gotten. I used to be able to brush it off and pretend that I’m not affected much, but I think that as part of the healing process, I need to get all the feels out. We spoke about his niece and about how post-grad was going, and then it was bye. I wish I didn’t miss him, but that’s the way it is, I suppose. It’s a good thing that we’re continents apart.
In as much as I don’t like admitting it, I’ll remain in this foreign land for a long time… especially if I decide to pursue that PhD here. Going back to Ghana to resettle is something I wish I could drop everything and do, this very minute! But it seems it won’t be happening in the next few years. Unless some radical change comes up, (and honestly you never know because things definitely can change). If I’m looking to be with someone in Ghana, undoubtedly the issue of distance has to be talked about.
 
You already know that Paapa and I were apart for very long, except for the times when I visited. And when we started dating, that happened only once or twice. Distance wasn’t one of the things we actively talked about, it was sort of our elephant in the room.
Long distance isn’t something I want to willingly do. It may be an inevitable occurrence at some point in our lives but can we try to avoid it as much as we can? I mean we’ve stayed out of each other’s lives for so long, that I feel once we finally meet and have the chance to be together, we should try to be together in the same place (At least, the same country) at all times. Even if we have to do long distance, can we do it with an end in sight? And if that does becomes our situation, I promise to do my best to get to know you and love you as best as God has called me to.
If you haven’t gotten the main point of this post, this is it: I Don’t Want Us to Be Apart If We Can Help It! (Especially Not After Marriage).
As you already know, I’m the 7-minute-hugs-random-hand-holding-look-into-my eyes-mushy kind of girl, and facetime/skype/all those other things obviously don’t do any of those things for me.
So I look forward to meeting you, and making the most of our circumstance, whatever it may be.
So, can you surface soon?