Can You Surface Soon? IV

Entry 07
Dear future husband,
For a very long time, I hated taking pictures. (To a certain extent, I still do). I over-analyse every single detail in every picture that I take – people say it’s a girl thing. But the thing is, I am insecure and self-conscious about myself. I was always the other sister, the fat one. The one with the crooked teeth. The one who stood out (not in a positive way lol). But I suppose I had the brains to make up for my looks. (And the heart maybe? Inner beauty?) lol!
When I was ten, I overheard some guys from my older sister’s class at church, talking about us. I don’t remember the details, but I remember being referred to as “that other one… the not so pretty one… she doesn’t really look like them, or?” It must have stuck somewhere in my subconscious. Because for some reason, it wasn’t until I became an adult that these insecurities became very evident.
One thing you’ll probably come to know is that I don’t like my body so much. I don’t like my teeth and that’s a hard one because it’s right there on my face. I’ve come to accept and like the gap, because it identifies me as daddy’s little girl, however that’s about all that I like about it.
So these days when I take pictures, duck face is my go to …. because when I show my teeth, all I see is that they are crooked and weird. One day, when I start making my millions, that’s the first thing that I’m going to change about myself.
I won’t lie and say I’m at the stage where I’ve accepted myself fully and come to realize that my body forms a part of me… but quite recently, my devotional warned against self-pity and after a conversation with one of my friends, I realized that wallowing in self-pity and a sea of insecurity really doesn’t help anyone, especially when there’s someone (Christ) who has given me worth more than I can imagine and is so willing to continually hold me up.
I’ve been praying that you won’t be the kind of guy who will “just accept me the way I am”. I’ve been praying that you’ll actually find me beautiful, and be very open about declaring it… ( I’m a pda kinda girl 🤣😉)
Half the time, I need to remind myself that I can be am beautiful. It’s been a hard road for me in that regard, and I’m still on it. Because of that, I had a phase when any guy that called me beautiful or pretty, (if he kept up with it), was at some point elevated to ‘prospective boo’ (Okay, I was thirteen, and I had the imagination of an alien…. But still)
One day, I might be able to stand naked before you and not cringe. I hope that when that day comes, when I have come so far on this journey of accepting myself, you will not just find me ‘acceptable’, you’ll actually be excited!
So back when I was in Ghana, I don’t think I ever doubted that I was smart. I was more often than not at the top of my class – and when I wasn’t at the top, it was okay too, because I knew I wasn’t the only good student. But then I got into this thing they call an Ivy League Liberal Arts College, and it broke me! It gave me such a low self-esteem of myself that I wonder if I’ll ever get back to that confident girl I used to be. I met people who were smarter than me – those who worked hard for it, and those who somehow were just smart… and so I began to settle and doubt myself. I did not work as hard as I should have, (because it felt like even when I worked hard, I still didn’t do well). I made many mistakes because of that. It was like I had just resigned myself to ‘fate’ to take over. And it didn’t help that I wasn’t sure of what my purpose was. Honestly if I could do undergrad all over again, I would seek help right from the start, and work really hard … no laziness, and no procrastination. I would also not let go of dreams because of a low self esteem.
Sometimes I wonder if I stopped being Pre-Med truly because it’s not the path for me or because I thought I wasn’t smart enough to pursue it. Will I ever know?
I think I’m ranting like this because it’s that time of the year when you have to think about the future – the plan after grad school. I still don’t have a clear sense of my career path (I’m not as quick to call that my purpose anymore). My parents want me to go do a PhD – I think I want to do that as well, but then can I?
So the other day, dad sent me a list of schools to look at; actually it wasn’t a list. It was one school. Harvard. Instantly, I felt I didn’t qualify. Do I? Because first of all, your girl doesn’t have research experience… and it’s Harvard – they only take the best. The worst thing is that even as I sat doing my own research for schools, I felt so unqualified. I kept thinking which school would even want me? Sound familiar? Senior Year Of Undergrad all over again!! But I refuse to go through that same depressing, unhappy season again. And I told God that the next time, if there was going to be a next time, I’d walk with Him through that season, and not worry or be anxious about anything.
What’s the worst that could happen? 😩😩 That I’d get rejected by the schools? Then maybe find a job? And if I do not find one, I head back home to Ghana? Frankly, I don’t think that sounds bad at all!!
So here’s to not worrying or feeling insecure about qualifications or self. Here’s to looking up and not down. Here’s to walking with the Lord and trusting Him and truly seeking His face while holding on to the fact that no good thing will He withhold from those who seek His face!!
If you meet me in the near future and by the grace of God, I appear more confident than I am now and am walking in God’s purpose for me, I want you to know that it really wasn’t an easy road getting there. I’m sure you have your own story and I really can’t wait to hear about it.
I really wish you were here already, so we could have all these talks together… because I think my journey to finding myself is going quite well😉
So if you don’t mind, please surface soon?
❤️